After doing a bit more research on what the doctor told me, I think I feel a bit better (admittedly, most of it was on Wikipedia). In the process of reading about temporal lobe epilepsy, I came across the term hippocampus. I remembered her saying that the hippocampus on my right side looked different than the hippocampus on my left side. So I clicked on that article to learn more. Among other things, it’s a part of the brain that’s involved in epilepsy, PTSD (which I have), and schizophrenia (which runs in our family). I remember my mom living in fear of my sister or I suffering some kind of trauma in our teens and going schizophrenic on her. There’s also strong correlation between depression and temporal lobe epilepsy, so that part of the brain probably has something to do with depression as well. In thinking about the fact there’s a difference between the 2 sides in my brain in addition to the PTSD and the fact that schizophrenia runs in our family, it made sense. Also given I started having the seizures around the time I developed the PTSD, but didn’t know it yet, it fits pretty darn perfectly. Science once again comes through for me.
I’m still feeling a bit down, but I made myself get out of bed, get dressed, and come into work. I refuse to let this keep me down. I’m going to contortion class after work and I’m going to soak in the good energy from the silks gym. As I’ve said before, my brain likes to go all worst case scenario on me like I’ve suddenly developed a brain tumor in the past 3 weeks or I’m going to have a stroke. Though, if I keep stressing myself out like this, a stroke isn’t outside the realm of possibilities. 😛 I keep having to remind myself this is a process and an exercise in patience. There is no quick fix. But it can be fixed. I’m the kind of person who wants something and I want it 5 minutes ago, but that’s not how this process works. It’s not going to happen on my timeline. But even small progress is still progress. Now it has a name. Now we’re trying out treatments. Now I can explain what happens when I zone out. And I’ve even had a laugh or two about it.
One bad day doesn’t set me back to the beginning. Just like when I first started treatment for the PTSD, the bad days began to space out more. I could go longer and longer between days where it took all I had in me just to get out of bed. I know it’s my wonky brain chemistry, not a character defect like the negative voice in my head likes to tell me. In about a week, I’ll get to talk to an actual professional about getting some chemical assistance to even me out and lighten the load a bit. I’ll figure out what all of this really means for my daily life. It’s just going to be an exercise in patience first. That’s a skill that will serve me for the rest of my life no matter what my situation.
I feel better for having put all that out there. It’s really hard to admit how scared I am. It’s hard to be honest. But I definitely feel lighter after putting all that out there. Courage isn’t just rescuing someone from a burning building or entering combat. Sometimes courage is tending to the less pretty parts of who we are.