I had a therapy session yesterday and it ended fairly intensely. My therapist wants to work on some of the more painful and humiliating moments from my past. She cited two specifically. She wants to do an iteration of EMDR because actual EMDR might trigger a seizure. She also wants to wait until I’m in a slightly better mood and not in crisis. Goodie. I know it needs to be done. I know exposure therapy makes things easier to handle. It’s one step closer to my past not having a stranglehold on my present. After I got home, I remembered another incident that could also be worked through. That one had been buried very, very deeply. It wasn’t necessarily any more painful or humiliating than the ones I’ve opened up about, but it’s definitely on the greatest hits list. So I cried. And then got angry. And then cried some more. My heart quite literally hurt as I replayed this whole scenario. And then that voice in my head kicked in again.
It took me until last night to realize, and truly accept, that it’s his voice in my head. You’re not worth it. No one will want you. You’re not worth loving. It’s been quiet for a long time, but kicked into high gear last night. For example, I’ve been feeling really guilty about asking people for rides. They all understand I can’t drive. That’s not my fault. It’s for my own safety and the safety of others. I haven’t asked people to drive me to circus classes and yoga. Both meant a lot to me prior to this and really helped my mood & epilepsy. I can’t do aerial work until I can drive again, but ground based classes or hammock classes that are held fairly low are okay as long as I can bail easily. Yoga was highly recommended for my condition because it also helps with anxiety and other mental side effects of epilepsy. Even though it would be easy for someone to drive me both places, I’ve been afraid to ask. I’m an imposition. I’m a burden. I shouldn’t lay my problems on someone else. That’s not my voice, though. There’s still that tiny voice that tells me to trust and believe. It’s the voice that fights the seeds of doubt and guilt. I have living, breathing proof that all of that crap isn’t true. It’s just really hard to hear over the screaming negativity. This is only temporary. I will get through it. And I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I think I am.
I read somewhere that positive people are the ones who get back up. They don’t let crappy situations get them down. They get back up and keep going. If there’s one thing I can say about myself, I do get back up. I’ll cry. I’ll get angry. I’ll kick and scream over it. But I will get back up and keep going. In spite of the pain, I got up this morning. I put on nice clothes and make up. I paid my debt to society and had a very pleasant conversation with the receptionist. I never really thought of myself as a really positive person or optimistic. I can be that way without being perky all the time. I don’t have to be putting on a show and obviously happy and positive. I can do it in my own way. I can get back up. I didn’t hide under the covers. I didn’t refuse to face the world. I actually felt remarkably better this morning. I wasn’t convinced I would when I got in bed last night. I never thought I’d say this, but it was nice to have somewhere to be and know I couldn’t just phone it in. I had to pay my fine. I had to come into work. Speaking of work…
I have an interview for a serious promotion on Friday. Best case, I’ll get it. Worst case, I stay where I am where I’m perfectly happy working for my current boss. I’m really not that emotionally invested in it. It’s a pretty significant jump from where I am now. If nothing else, it’s just a matter of time before I get a promotion and it’s interview practice. It would certainly be nice to get the vote of confidence and the pay raise that goes along with it. Selfishly, it would be nice to have a certain 2 people reporting directly to me. It would be a delightful turn of fate. He wants me to sell myself, so I’ll sell myself. I know how much I’m worth. I may not have managed people in an official capacity, but I’ve managed actors, both professional and at the college level, and volunteers. I would argue that’s a lot harder than managing people who are paid to be there. I suppose we’ll see how it all shakes out. I’m looking forward to the fallout from this one.