I’ve been stupid tired the past 2 days. Of course, my schedule has been all kinds of thrown off. I’m always a little wonky when I start my week going in late to work. I feel like it should be Thursday. Alas, not so much.
The beginning of October is chock full of really crappy anniversaries (meeting Will, the day I got fired, the day I almost killed myself). However, as the month progresses, memories get better (Boy & I officially dating, working Netherworld, being “that house” at Halloween). I have a choice. I can dwell on the past and everything I can’t change. I can smile about the good stuff and move on. I can give myself the credit I haven’t been giving myself. I’ve never really been one to toot my own (temporal) horn. So let’s give it a shot, shall we?
I chose to heal. I chose to crawl out of the hole. I chose to live and feel the pain instead of choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I can cry again. I know that one sounds weird, but when I was at my worst, I literally didn’t have the energy to cry. I knew I’d reached a milestone when I could cry again. My worst days aren’t that bad. I can still get out of bed, get myself to work, and do the best I can. I chose to open myself up to someone and I’ve seen the benefits of that tenfold. I’m intelligent. I can walk into a room full of volunteers or top executives and own the room. I can talk to anyone. I make people laugh. I’ve made mistakes and learned from them. I can keep my shit together in a crisis. I’m not afraid to own my bad decisions. I’m learning the difference between what I want and what society/other people tell me I should want. I love with my whole heart. I take way better care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve lost 15% of my body weight that I was carrying around because of my bad habits. I’m in a healthy, happy, mutually respectful relationship. I recognize more quickly when my old defense mechanisms are kicking in and cut myself a little slack. Given the amount of stress I’ve been under the past 6 months, I’m rocking life. I’ve learned to not hold myself to ridiculous standards and then beat myself up when I don’t meet them. I’m in line for a promotion, if not this round then the next. I’ve learned how to run a sound board and herd cats. People trust me to answer their questions, know what I’m doing, and keep everything running smoothly. I stand up for myself and what I believe even when it would be easier to keep my mouth shut. I’ve surrounded myself with truly kind, generous, hilarious loving people who I wouldn’t trade for anything. And I’m happy in my own skin.
Cheers, October. Let’s make it awesome.