And so we come full circle.
Boy took me to lunch at a restaurant I haven’t been to in forever. Almost as soon as I finished eating, I threw up. That’s the first time I’ve thrown up when I wasn’t already sick or recovering from a hangover in a very long time. After some fizzy water and a 2 hour nap, I felt more like myself. Later, I went on Facebook and deleted all the albums that had Will in them. It didn’t turn out to be as liberating as I thought it would. It felt like ripping off a huge scab. I hurt for the girl I was. The girl who had a hard time cutting him out of her life the first time. She was just doing the best she could with what she had. It was then I realized how I’d well and truly come full circle. The restaurant we were at this afternoon was the same one Will & I went to for our first date. Earlier that day, I’d thrown up because of a migraine (something that almost never happened) and I was too sick to really eat. That was a memory I’d buried pretty well. Though that seems to be a recurring theme for me. A lot of old memories have been popping up recently. Crawling out of the cave, as my therapist aptly put it. Sometimes you have to break a bone again for it to heal properly. The healing will take time, as is always the case, but this time it will heal correctly. This closes the circle for good.
I’m not that girl any more. But the woman I am can look at her with compassion rather than judgment. It took me a long time to see it that way. I’ve erased him from my online life just like I did in my real life. There are no connections left, physical or digital, between us. I’m starting to see just how fucked up his thinking really was. I’m seeing how what I thought was normal at the time is way off in left field. I certainly wouldn’t put up with behaviour like his today. I could cite a dozen examples just off the top of my head that pointed to how abnormal he was (and likely still is). I had the chance to tell my boss about the whole situation yesterday and decided against it. It’s not like the epilepsy where it can directly effect my ability to work. We have a good relationship both professionally and personally, but it’s not something he needs to carry around. I have an amazing support network already. I’m learning where the lines are and when to cross them. Maybe someday the time will be right. Maybe not. Those days are behind me and each day I move forward, the load is a little lighter.
The drinking is over. The self injury is over. The shopping is close to being over. I’m steadily replacing all of those with healthy habits like dance, aerial work, and writing. I’m relearning how to trust my gut (when it’s not coming back up in the bathroom of a restaurant). So the next chapter in the story begins. Watch what happens
Also I’m watching Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time ever. Crazy, right? Then it’s time for Boy to experience Hocus Pocus for the first time.