Well, well December. Nice to see you.
I got up this morning and looked at the date on my phone. 2013 is 31 days away from being done. Finished. In the history books. It also occurred to me how little I’ve actually lived in 2013. As always, allow me to elaborate.
I’ve either been looking ahead of me or behind me for the entire year. After I got the DUI in March, I kept looking behind me. “If I’d only done this.” “What if I’d done that?” “If I could do it over…”. Then I got the unofficial epilepsy diagnosis in June and they started me on the medication. The official, on the books, in my medical records confirmation rolled down in August. I had my last seizure in September. Ever since, I’ve been looking toward March like a kid looks out for Christmas (see what I did there? :D). I’ve spent the last week waiting for today when Boy gets back from visiting his family. But when have I actually sat where I am, absorbed it, and enjoyed it for what it was? At least, that I can recall clearly. Suffice to say, it’s been a spell.
Understandably, traumas like getting arrested or a diagnosis of a chronic condition tend to take front and center. That’s just how they roll. But those are both under control now. The DUI is paid in full, out of my hair, and I can get my license reinstated whenever I want. The epilepsy is under control. I haven’t had a seizure in 3 months. I know my auras, so I know when to stop what I’m doing, get up, and move around. This morning I looked around and thought “Now what?”. There’s nothing large, fanged, and hairy staring in my face demanding every ounce of attention I can muster for the next 6 months. It’s quiet. It’s calm. I’m not constantly in panic mode trying to block as much shit coming out of the fan as I can.
I always see these blog posts about living in the moment, reaching a zen like state of being, aligning with your inner values and “power words” and other things that sound great on paper, but aren’t so practical in real life. I’ve complained previously about my whole life being a game time decision because I’m not responsible for my own transportation at the moment. Why not use that to my advantage? If I can’t plan for more than the next 24(ish) hours, don’t try. Literally sit down, look around, and see what’s right under my nose. Does it need to be done rightthissecond? Can it wait? What decision will make the maximum number of people content or even happy (with me being top priority)? If it can wait, what’s something I can enjoy right now? If it’s not coming up within the next day or so, don’t stress over it. I’ll deal with it when it’s sitting there. For an uber planner like myself, that’s a tall order. I don’t want to turn around, all of a sudden it’s 15 years from now and I’m wondering “where did all that time go?”.
A perfect example was Friday morning. I went to a jazz class that I drop in and out of. It was literally the very first class I took at the studio when I started in 2008. It’s not in my usual rotation of classes. Since the schedule was different, I decided to drop into that class. The teacher is this itty bitty woman who can pirouette for days. I, on the other hand, can’t spot if you held a gun to my head. My turns are pretty sloppy and this teacher loves to put turns in her across the floor work and combinations. Some of her high school students were there in their leotards and tights getting in some extra class time. Of course, they get it (mostly) right on the first try. I totally screw up the across the floor work and I start laughing at myself. In that moment, I was happy. Even though I looked like a giraffe on roller skates, I was laughing. It didn’t matter what everyone else thought or if they were even watching. I was having fun. My heart was really, truly in it.
Of course some manner of looking ahead is necessary, especially around holiday time. Plans are set for parties, time off from work, and the usual to-ing and fro-ing that comes along with the season. Three of my nearest and dearest have birthdays on Friday. I’ll call or message them, let them know I remembered, and wish them a good year ahead. Other than that, no plans. As I look around me right no, I’m still in my pajamas on a big, squishy couch. I just finished eating and am contemplating putting on Chopped for background noise until more football rolls around. The cat has had her usual psychotic romp around the apartment and is now solidly passed out in the middle of the living room floor. That’s my moment. It’s not glamorous or aligning with my zen, but I’m content. That’s more than a lot of people can say.
2013 & I have had a hate/hate relationship for 66% of it. Here’s to making the last 31 days something I can look back on and laugh.