Apparently I’m the only person in my social group who doesn’t like the show Archer. I know this is random, but bear with me. Several friends, including Boy, think it’s hilarious. I’ve always balked at the idea of animation / cartoons that are geared toward adults. Much like foods I don’t like, I’ll periodically try them to see if my opinion has changed. It’s the same result every time. I didn’t fight with Boy over watching it. I left the room instead. Just listening to it through the wall upset me. I was in tears simply listening to the dialogue. At the time, I had no idea why it upset me to that level. It doesn’t make much sense that a cartoon would have me sobbing. It took a few days, then it hit me.
There were plenty of things around the frat house I didn’t enjoy. I would hole myself up in Will’s room. He would do the same even though he hated it and I knew it. I never felt comfortable in the social areas (should’ve been a red flag right there). The other frat boys made fun of him for it and he took it out on me. The other girlfriends would watch TV or play games with them. Why couldn’t I do the same? I should just suck it up and go along with whatever it was. It didn’t matter if I didn’t like it. Deal with it. My opinions and feelings were totally invalid. He was going to fit in, goddamn it, whether I liked it or not. I was constantly the target of his insecurities. He bullied me into doing things in bed that I didn’t want to just so he could one up the other guys. “Girlfriend and I did this”. “Oh yeah? Emily and I did this better / more humiliating thing!”. I was blamed for the frat getting nailed for hazing because he told me about their initiation policies. It wasn’t anything egregious like drinking until the pledges passed out or making them run around campus naked. This is ignoring the fact entirely that all the girlfriends knew what was going on. We talked about it amongst ourselves on our own campus. Somehow it was all my fault. Of course I know now there was no possible way I could’ve been the sole cause. All of them should’ve kept their big, stupid mouths shut. If you don’t want details getting out, don’t talk to your girlfriends about it. Dumbasses. Bottom line, no matter what it was, it was my fault or shortcoming. Somehow in my neural pathways, Archer triggered the same reaction.
I was woken up by a nightmare this morning 20 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. It was the same song and dance. A guy broke into where I was living and tried to grab / kidnap me. It started with him yelling at his wife. Boy and I saw him out the window and he stopped. Then he broke in, Boy pointed a gun at him, and he was scared off. The third time, he somehow got in again, Boy wasn’t armed, and the guy started attacking me. I was kicking, throwing punches, and fighting back as hard as I could. He laughed every time I tried to fight back. He got up and Boy shot him, presumably killing him. I woke up feeling helpless because I wasn’t able, yet again, to defend myself. When I was sleeping in the house alone, I used to keep a gun by the bed. The mag was loaded, but separated from the gun. If I had to, I could shove the mag in, cock it, and take down anything that came through the door. Was it paranoid? Hell yes. Was I defenseless? Nope. My mom made me store the gun outside the house eventually. Thank you, Second Amendment.
I’m not the girl who allowed herself to be walked all over. If someone wants to watch / do something I don’t want to, I just walk away. I don’t have to make anyone happy other than myself. My friends are free to watch Archer, laugh their asses off, and I’m free to find another room and perfect my French.