Twilight Thursday: Twilight Chapter 4 or Bella likes her men like her Saturday nights. Dead.

So who got my Game of Thrones reference last week? Extra points for you! However, unlike Game of Thrones, we can’t hold out hope that Bella or Edward will be cut down in the middle of a paragraph / scene. This makes me sad. Keep your eyes peeled (not squished) for another GoT reference this time around. 😀


I had over 2000 words of content in this post and right as I hit “update”, all but a paragraph disappeared. This will be a much shorter, dirtier, and probably snarkier version of the original. Hang on…

Tyler keeps trying to apologize. Bella is having none of it. Mike & Eric keep posturing, especially now that there’s a Bachelor Number Three to add to their One and Two status. That means our mousey, clumsy heroine has 3, count ’em, 3 suitors. None of them meet her standards, of course. There can only be one…

No one else was aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.

Thanks to Meyer’s BFF of linguistic ambiguity, it would appear Bella is pitying Edward because no one pays attention to him. It’s already been established that the Fanged Five keep to themselves. If the intention is for Bella to be self referencing, then it didn’t work. Yes, Bella, you are pitiful for being one step away from Fatal Attraction. Let’s hope the Cullen / Hale clan don’t own any rabbits.

Thanks to minor character number 1 who the reader isn’t supposed to care about (aka Jessica), it is revealed that the Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up. The girls ask the boys rather than the antiquated notion that only boys can ask girls to dances. Bachelors One, Two, and Three seemed to have missed that memo. While Bella tells off Number Two for breaking the convention, that doesn’t stop Meyer from running with it. Yes, we get it. The hicks think she’s hot. For being a nondescript klutz, she sure has a lot of potential action. When Bella confronts Edward about not letting the car end all this misery early on we get:

You think I regret saving your life?”

“I know you do,”

“You don’t know anything,” Jon Snow. Bella Swan.

The Volvo once again makes its appearance. It’s established that Edward is driving, but the seating arrangements for the other 4 are not detailed. This is deeply disappointing. I wonder if Volvo paid Meyer to plug their brand. If they didn’t, they should have. I’m curious how many sad sacks went out and bought Volvos after reading this book.

When I got home, I decided to make chicken enchiladas for dinner. It was a long process and it would keep me busy.

Here’s where my suspension of disbelief kicks in. If Bella can’t keep her feet under her for more than 30 seconds, how the hell does she manage to cook? I’m surprised she hasn’t slipped in the kitchen & broken her nose on the counter or something of the like. However, she has all the talent of an experienced line cook without so much as a wobble. Sorry, not buying what you’re selling.

It also appears that most of the West Coast does not have Mexican restaurants. If Forks is really *that* bad, there should at least be a Taco Bell. The residents need something to soak up all the booze that makes their lives just a little bit easier in this bucolic locale. I suspect her father is hesitant to try the food because he’s afraid there’s a finger in it, not because he’s never encountered a green chile. Also, cops are brave and therefore will try any food put in front of them.

Let’s back up for a moment to Bella’s internal monologue while doing her Martha Stewart impression:

Of course he wasn’t interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging – a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn’t interesting. And he was. Interesting…and brilliant…and mysterious…and perfect…and beautiful…and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.

And sparkly. You forgot sparkly. And all those ellipses are from the original text. I’m not trying to skip over uninteresting parts. If I were doing that, these recaps would be 5 sentences long. And don’t try to blame your burning eyes on the onions. We all know who you’re getting weepy over. Nice try.

Her dad is the one who calls her out on her flimsy excuse. He asks if she’ll be back in time for the dance. Her response?

Grrr.

I shit you not. After 14 pages of getting asked out then mentally bitch slapping the guy who asked her out, we finally come to something resembling a point.

“Do you want a ride to Seattle?”

“With who?” I asked, mystified.

“Myself, obviously,” he enunciated every syllable as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped.

Indeed he is. Indeed he is.

“But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?” He matched my pace again.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Stupid shiny Volvo owner.

Damn those Germans and their penchant for making mid-sized sedans with excellent paint jobs!

“I said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.”

“Oh thanks, now that’s all cleared up.” Heavy sarcasm.

Thank you for pointing out the sarcasm. I never would have seen it otherwise. Deadpan.

His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn’t remember how to breathe.

And let’s keep it that way.

“You really should stay away from me,” he warned.

Dramatic tension fail.

Eighty five pages in and almost nothing has happened. All that has really been accomplished is Bella establishing herself as a whiny unsympathetic protagonist. For being fully named characters, the rest of the Cullens and Hales haven’t spoken a word. All they do is get in and out of a car and not eat anything at lunch. Edward has been unsuccessfully painted as a romantic hero. If you have to beat the reader over the head with how beautiful and mysterious a character is, you’re doing something wrong. As far as we’re concerned by this point in the book, he has no other redeeming traits. He’s as annoying as Bella is whiny. They’re perfect for each other.

I’d also like to point out the Biology teacher is named Mr. Banner. I really hope he’ll turn into a giant green rage monster and end it all now. TEACHER SMASH!!!!

I happened to glance at the acknowledgements in the back of the book. Meyer thanks her editor for “making Twilight better than it started out”. There is only one conclusion as to how Twilight started out.

50 Shades of Grey.

Final Semicolon Count: 11

Final “Jump the Shark” Count: 4

Until next week (where hopefully my original post will remain intact)

XOXO!

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