Of Boyband Music Videos and Shot Glasses: Mark 1

Fair readers! I have an amusing post for you!

Just for fun, I came up with a Backstreet Boys music video drinking game. After explaining it to a dear friend of mine, she challenged me to try it myself and see how quickly someone would die of alcohol poisoning. Challenge accepted.

The rules:

  • A shot for every video which is set outdoors. This includes, but is not limited to; fields, basketball courts, beaches, and parks. Two shots if there’s a rain machine involved.
  • A shot for every initial shot of Kevin brooding.
  • A shot for every time Nick points at the camera. Two hands doesn’t count.
  • A shot for every vomit tease. Two shots if it’s Brian. But what defines a “vomit tease”? Grabbing your stomach and leaning over at the same time or grabbing your stomach and using a wall for support. This could also include leaning over balconies or bridges.
  • A shot for every time Howie has his shirt open or off. Two shots if he takes it off during the video.
  • A shot for every time AJ looks like he stole his shirt from a drag queen. Also, every time he makes the prayer gesture.
  • A shot any time they mime the lyrics (up to three shots).

Starting arsenal:

  • One 32oz (1000ml) Nalgene bottle
  • One 1oz (30ml) shot glass.

And go! (Caveat: I’ve tried to put them roughly in chronological order. I’m using Kevin’s hair as a benchmark.)


“We’ve Got It Goin’ On”

Final Shot Tally: 3 (2 Nick points & 1 for Brian’s asinine introduction). It was only partially shot outside, so the first rule can be ignored.

Commentary: Apparently I did not become Team AJ until later in their career. He also, apparently, hustles pool at the ripe old age of 19. The wardrobe master clearly hated Nick because that hat should not have ever seen the light of day. Of course Howie gets all the chicks. It must be the Puerto Rican in him. Or a little Puerto Rican in you. I’ll stop now. And Kevin looks like an ad for the Chippendales. Put the water down and back away slowly. I approve of the dance routine. This was back in the day where that was a staple in their videos. This is the part where Emily becomes a BSB hipster. Oy.

“Anywhere For You”

Final Shot Tally: 9 (Set outdoors, 2 Nick points, 1 Howie with his shirt off, 1 Nick vomit tease, 2 Brian vomit teases (x2).)

Commentary: The fuck? Why are they wearing sweaters on the beach? AJ really needs to 86 the glasses. They’re just wrong. The wardrobe master must have hated all of them in this one. There was also a shot where it kind of looked like they were all jerking off in a line. Whatever works. I did appreciate Howie sexing up the camera. Well done.

“Quit Playing Games With My Heart”

Final shot tally: 8 (Set outdoors, rain machine, Howie with his shirt off & removed it (x2), 1 Nick point, 1 Brian vomit tease (x2).)

Commentary: Can someone please tell me who does Nick’s hair? Because I want to know where that shine and bounce comes from. Alternatively, AJ can’t really pull off the “sexy run your hand through your hair” because that requires actual hair. Nick did not have to go to the vet because his pythons were not yet sick (or be admitted to the gun show. Pick your poison). The hair had to carry him for this particular event. Work with what you have, kiddo.


It’s at this juncture I would like to point out that we’re still on the 1997 release of their bastard lovechild European & US album. There’s still four more to go before we even hit Millennium!


“All I Have To Give”

Final Shot Tally: 3 (Howie with his shirt open, miming the lyrics, 1 Nick vomit tease)

Commentary: AJ has disappointed so far. I guess your liver had to get a break somewhere. Also, Kevin hasn’t started brooding yet. His hair is shorter, so I’m clearly on the right track. It also had a dance routine I forgot about. With hats! Because hats make everything better. Duh.

“I’ll Never Break Your Heart”

Final Shot Tally: 7 (Initial shot of Kevin brooding, AJ’s shirt, Howie with his shirt open, miming the lyrics (x2), 2 Nick points)

Commentary: Where do I start? AJ finally put out. ‘Bout damn time. I would also like to point out that they were ethnically conscious with their choices of women. Howie and the Asian would have beautiful babies. The spoken intro gets me every. single. time. Also, Nick’s hair again! I want my hair to look that good. I’d be scary as a blonde, however. Howie has more cleavage than I could hope for. Though the final shot where Nick & Kevin are looking down at the camera like “you wanna fight about it?” might win. I won’t break your heart, but I will break your face.

“Everybody”

Final Shot Tally: 0

Commentary: You’re welcome.

“As Long As You Love Me”

Final Shot Tally: 2 (Howie with his shirt open, miming the lyrics (Brian))

Commentary: And here we meet the future Mrs. Littrell. Because that’s not the piece of trivia the EVERYONE EVER knows. I also finally figured out where my love of AJ sprouted. He’s easily the best dancer. I swore there was a Nick point in this one, but it was with 2 hands. Overall, this had fewer than I thought it would.

Final Shot Tally For the Album: 32


We have now completed all the videos available on YouTube for the bastard lovechild album. Go pee, throw up, or call an ambulance. I’ll wait.

You still with me? Excellent!


“I Want It That Way”

Final Shot Tally: 4 (miming the lyrics, 1 Nick point, Kevin looking broody, 1 Nick vomit tease)  I cut everyone a break on the airplane hangar. Wandering through the airport was sufficient to negate the “outdoor” rule. I also counted all the lyric miming as one. Otherwise, there would be 27 shots.

Commentary: Now I figured out why they always put Kevin in the back in the dance numbers. It has nothing to do with the fact he’s the tallest, but rather he’s an awkward dancer. Sorry, dude. Guess that triple threat Broadway career was only a double. I loved at the end where AJ pointed at his crotch while saying “I”. The mysteries of the world are solved in a single gesture.

“Larger Than Life”

Final Shot Tally: 2 (Howie with this shirt off, AJ stealing a drag queen’s shirt)

Commentary: I would have killed to have been in the creative meeting from whence this sprung. “Let’s put them in space! And use as much CGI as we can afford!”. Say wha?

“Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely”

Final Shot Tally: 2 (1 Brian vomit tease (x2)

Commentary: …I think I’m going to go draw a warm bath & slit my wrists now. [KIDDING!!!]

“The One”

Final Shot Tally: 0 due to the fact it’s a tribute video with actual concert footage.

Commentary: Speaking of actual concert footage, I was one of the 100,000+ people who broke the record for the largest indoor concert ever. So I’m probably screaming at some point in there. If you listen closely, you can hear me. 😉

Final Shot Tally For the Album: 8


The Millennium is over!! For those of you who haven’t already fallen over or died, time for Black & Blue (on a personal note – one of their lesser efforts and that’s including the ‘dark years’ i.e. those without Kevin).


“The Call”

Final Shot Tally: 0 (Enjoy the liver break while it lasts. Again, I let the outdoor rule slide.)

Commentary: I’m not sure what the really bizarre background track is about. It doesn’t sound that way on the album at all. And now Howie is the one with the great hair. Seriously?! I want their stylist’s number! And Kevin’s hair grew out again, so I’m tricked into thinking I’ve gone back in time. Though the lady does look like her outfit came from a sex shop. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Though probably sweaty. Pleather doesn’t breathe very well. Yes, I know this from experience.

“Shape Of My Heart”

Final Shot Tally: 2 (AJ making the prayer gesture, miming the lyrics)

Commentary: I love how they don’t seem to mind this couple getting it on under the table. “Bitch, that’s my shoe!”. I also see what they did with the grey scale so it turned out looking blue. Thank you for beating us over the head with it, producers.

“More Than That”

Final Shot Tally: 6 (Set outside, miming the lyrics, 1 AJ vomit tease, 2 Nick Points, 1 Nick vomit tease.)

Commentary: I won’t even attempt to make some crass joke about riding and Kevin in the cowboy hat. He’s either too cool to ride in the front or he lost rock, paper, scissors, to Howie for shotgun. Nick’s default dance move is to jump in a circle while flailing. Ah, white boys left to their own devices.

Final Shot Tally For the Album: 8


Didn’t I tell you to enjoy the break while it lasted? Welcome to their last effort as a quintet in the form of “Never Gone”. Things will only go downhill from here. Trust me.


“Incomplete”

Final Shot Tally: 13 (Set outside, 2 AJ making the prayer gesture, Kevin looking broody, 2 Brian vomit tease (x2), miming the lyrics, 2 AJ vomit teases, Nick vomit tease, rain machine)

Commentary: This one was a doozy, kiddos. I admit, the song is one of my favorites. The video? Well… We will assume Nick lit the car on fire. That’s a whole new level of crazy. I’m not sure I’d want to get back together with a dude who decided setting fire to a motor vehicle FILLED WITH GASOLINE is a good idea. AJ did not light his car on fire. Thank heaven for small favors. Brian probably got hypothermia from being stuck in the ocean. Hazards of the job. Kevin, well, was Kevin. At least Howie got a snappy hat out of the deal. Did I or did I not tell you things would be going downhill?

“Just Want You To Know”

Final Shot Tally: 5 (one for each of them because I just can’t…)

Commentary: What. The. Fuck. I legitimately have no clue what’s going on. And since when is LMFAO white? So they’re in the hair band, but they’re watching the hair band? Don’t get me wrong, I loves me some hair bands. My best guess is they were tired of pretending to vomit in random outdoor locations? *hums “Shotz”*

“Drowning”

Final Shot Tally: 8 (set outside, 2 AJ praying, miming the lyrics, 2 Nick points, 1 vomit tease (they were backlit, but I think it was Nick), 1 Nick vomit tease (for sure))

Commentary: I’m putting this one here because it’s not attached to any album (as far as I can tell) and it involves all 5 of them. Though based on Kevin’s hair, it’s earlier than this album. Speaking of hair, I guess their stylist took the day off. They’re all looking a wee bit greasy. Ew. The title was deceptive. No rain machine! Sneaky, sneaky bastards.

“I Still…” 

Final Shot Tally: 8 (set outside,1 Nick vomit tease, broody Kevin, Howie looking like he has a raging hangover, rain machine, drinking in solidarity with Kevin, 1 Brian vomit tease (x2))

Commentary: The way this one was shot made it a little difficult. It kept speeding up and slowing down, so it was hard to tell who was doing what to whom and when. I suppose Brian had a death wish as he fell to his knees in the middle of what I assume is New York City traffic. Like they’re going to stop. He would have been run down like a possum. Kevin was legitimately drinking in a bar, then throwing shit, so one must drink along with him. I liked AJ’s parkour (or however the hell you spell that) at the beginning. That’s totally some shit I would try and then faceplant.

Final Shot Tally For the Album: 34


After finishing this round, some things you’ll be grateful I didn’t add:

  • Nick looking like he’s going to rip his shirt off.
  • Erroneous grammar.
  • Crane cams

    Stay tuned for Mark 2

XOXO!

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