Of Boyband Music Videos and Shot Glasses: Mark 2 or The Dark Years & Welcome Back Kevin!

A quick refresher on the rules:

The rules:

  • A shot for every video which is set outdoors. This includes, but is not limited to; fields, basketball courts, beaches, and parks. Two shots if there’s a rain machine involved.
  • A shot for every helicopter shot. (The Kevin rule will be reinstated later)
  • A shot for every time Nick points at the camera. Two hands doesn’t count.
  • A shot for every vomit tease. Two shots if it’s Brian. But what defines a “vomit tease”? Grabbing your stomach and leaning over at the same time or grabbing your stomach and using a wall for support. This could also include leaning over balconies or bridges leading with your head.
  • A shot for every time Howie has his shirt open or off. Two shots if he takes it off during the video.
  • A shot for every time AJ looks like he stole his shirt from a drag queen. Also, every time he makes the prayer gesture.
  • A shot any time they mime the lyrics (up to three shots).

For those of you still standing and / or not in the hospital for alcohol poisoning, time for the second round! For some reason, Kevin decided he needed some street cred and peaced out for a little while. I refer to the two albums during that period as the “Dark Years”. The chronology is easier for these two because there aren’t that many options and Google is my friend (and I can’t use Kevin’s hair any more *pouty face*). But just because there are fewer options doesn’t mean there are fewer shots.

And go!


“Inconsolable”

Final Shot Tally: 11 (set outside, 1 Nick point, 2 Brian vomit tease (x2), 1 AJ vomit tease, 2 Howie vomit tease, 2 Nick vomit tease)

Commentary: Is there something about solar eclipses that causes nausea? Seriously guys. While Nick *does* look like a frat boy, let’s not look like the morning after from a frat party, eh? Also, you can tell they made it look dark in post. I guess filming at night & then editing it later was too pricey? As I go through these, my love of Howie is increasing. I think it’s the haircut. Still not defecting, though. I guess I’ve always loved me some bad boy. Or maybe just guys with tattoos. Cases in point – Butch Walker and Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls (also contemporaries to BSB, I’d like to note). My parents shouldn’t have been surprised by my own body art. I digress.

“Helpless When She Smiles”

Final Shot Tally: 9 (shot outside, helicopter shot, AJ praying, 2 Nick points, 1 Brian vomit tease (x2), 2 miming the lyrics)

Commentary: Jesus Christ, Brian! A vomit tease while miming the lyrics? I had to pause the damn thing just to get all those shots in. Are you trying to kill us? Also, that giggling at the end? Not cool! This is not a game! Wait…shit. Also, random chick playing the cello in the middle of a field. Because I always play my cello in the middle of the field. Where else would you do it? I didn’t count a rain machine because only the chick was wet (get your minds out of gutter, readers) and there was no actual rain it appeared. I couldn’t tell who was winning when they ran up the hill, but my bet is Howie. His lung capacity has to be better than Nick and AJ. Smoking lots of things tends to have an adverse effect on one’s cardiovascular endurance.

Final Shot Tally for the Album: 20


Apparently the budget only stretched to two videos for this album. They made it count, though. Oy.

Next up we have the gem from 2009 in the form of “This is Us”.


“Bigger”

Final Shot Tally: 4 (set outside, 1 Nick point, miming the lyrics (x2))

Commentary: So they’re filming a song entitled “Bigger” in Japan. Please, please tell me this was supposed to be ironic. Then I will be vindicated that boy bands can, in fact, do something ironic. This was another case of the video not having a damn thing to do with the song. Moral of the song? “I’m a royal douche, but you’re staying with me because…um…not sure”. That said, it was a good laugh. I particularly enjoyed the part where Nick fell off the bench. I would like to believe there was more than tea in those cups. Really, I wanted sake bombs. C’mon guys, your target audience is now above drinking age. It’s okay to have a drink or two. Getting hammered would be funnier, but I’ll take what I can get. My money is on Nick winning that competition, by the way. I’m convinced if you put this next to “As Long As You Love Me”, they would annihilate. Poof!

“Straight Through My Heart”

Final Shot Tally: 3 (miming the lyrics (x2), rain machine)

Commentary: So they’re all singing, all dancing vampires. I sympathize with the “day walker” title. I hate the sun. It gives me cancer. I appreciate the return of the “all dancing” component. Dance, vampire, dance! And Nick. Oh Nick. Why did you have to cut the hair? You just threw away your best asset! Why? When Howie and Brian have the best hair, something is very, very wrong with the universe. I guess the ceiling had some king of structural integrity issue because it started raining indoors. Might want to get that checked out.

“PDA”

Final Shot Tally: 4 (one for each of them)

Commentary: They didn’t make an official video for this one, but I had to include it. The sound check is actually way more fun than the live performances. I loathe live recordings because it’s entirely based on the viewer’s preference (Team Brian, looking at you). Of course, anyone who has actually worked on a live production knows the sound checks can provide the most fun. Listen carefully for references to public sex, a hand job, and Nick’s creative interpretation of some of the lyrics. Oh and Brian’s personal censoring because “booty” is just too much for him to handle. Oh and Howie’s “stop touching me!” when Nick comes over for a little love.

Final Shot Tally For the Album: 11


Drumroll please!

Kevin’s back! This is our last gasp, readers. We’ve made it to 2013, a whole 16 years after where we started. Don’t you feel accomplished? Or just cirrhotic? Here are the final two! I know you can do it!

*raises glass*


“In a World Like This”

Final Shot Tally: 10 (set outside, helicopter shot, miming the lyrics (x3),2  AJ praying, 1 Nick point, 1 Brian vomit tease (x2))

Commentary: I swear that’s the same damn field they used before. Was it something along the lines of “Hey! That field was pretty cool! We’re going to dump your asses right back out there!”? Nick got his hair back (thank God) & AJ looks like someone didn’t read the tag before they got the shirt and made him wear it anyway. Overall, it’s a nice cheery number and about as much fun as one can have while singing in a field.

“Show ‘Em”

Final Shot Tally: 10 (Kevin looking broody, miming the lyrics (x3), 4 Nick points, 1 Brian vomit tease (x2))

Commentary: o.0 Um, when did Brian get abs? Also, his wedding ring keeps getting progressively larger. With those abs, I can see why she may want to clearly mark her territory. I would defect to Team Brian, but he loves Jesus too much. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. Howie kept his shirt on! Go you, HD! And since you asked so nicely, yes, I will show you a tomato.

Final Shot Tally for The Album: 20

Way to finish strong, boys!


And that concludes our binge drinking for the rest of everyone’s lives. I hope you enjoyed playing along as much as I enjoyed accepting the challenge. If nothing else, I hope I perked things up a bit.

XOXO!

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