Of being (unwillingly) touched by a (not) virgin and no thank you

Those of you who know me know that I (quite happily) live under a rock. I figure if news is big enough, whether it’s a plane crashing or a Kardashian getting pregnant, I’ll hear about it one way or another. I just got wind of this whole Madonna kissing Drake thing at some awards show / performance / whatever. I admit, I had to Google Drake. Yes, I’m not so secretly a 90 year old woman. I digress…

After looking at it myself and perusing other articles relating to the whole scenario, Drake got the (very) short end of the stick. I’m of the “not cute” school of thought. He played it off far better than I would have. If someone, Madonna or otherwise, tried that with me, they would have gotten decked. Though knowing where Madonna has been over the years, I would probably be brushing my teeth with bleach for a week. Allow me to share, son. Once again, we come back to the crux of the issue relating to all things.

Consent.

It would be one thing if backstage, they were like “Yeah! This will be a great bit!”. I’m thrilled that Madonna still wants to prove she’s got it, whatever “it” may be. However, that doesn’t mean you can get all kissy face with someone who isn’t expecting it and, most likely, doesn’t want it. If the situation had been reversed and a man had “surprised” a woman with a kiss on stage, the pitchforks and torches would be out. Since it was initiated by the woman, everyone is more like “Eh, well…”. So let’s kick it up a notch.

Y’all, female on male rape does exist. It’s grossly underreported because a lot of people, the men themselves in particular, don’t believe rape works that way. A man can rape a man because they both have penises, but a woman can’t rape a man because she’s the penetrated partner. Rape, by definition, is someone else using your body for their pleasure without your consent. “Oh, but if a guy has an erection, he’s into it!”. No, that’s biology. Guys, correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t think a boner means your into getting up at 6a. Right? Would you tell a female rape victim that because she had an orgasm that she wanted it? Again, biology. I happen to know a man who was raped by a woman (and it’s with his consent that I share this).

He went through the exact same cycle as female rape victims. The self destructive actions, the depression, the whole nine yards. I know I questioned, and sometimes still do, if what happened to me was really rape. Imagine being a straight man who was victimized by a straight woman. That can’t possibly be rape, right? Yes, yes it can. He told her to stop and she didn’t. He revoked his consent, but she ignored it. Everyone; male, female, trans, straight, gay, questioning, or whatever may be the situation, has the right to say “stop” or “no” at any time. The other party is obligated to listen and comply. Quite frankly, I got more respect out of guys I would pick up at bars while so drunk I couldn’t stand up than I got from someone who claimed to love me and I’d been with for years. He wasn’t in a serious relationship with this particular woman, but that doesn’t make it any better or easier to swallow. I would argue it’s easier to be able to leave and never look back than it is to stay with the person who just violated your own agency over your body. That’s neither here nor there. He did things to himself that he can never take back. Just like someone had to point out that my seizures didn’t sound like any panic attack they’d ever heard of, someone else had to point out that what happened was actually rape. Things are always a little easier when we’re able to give them a name. It may not be a pleasant name, but it’s a name.

Rape can happen to anyone and be perpetrated by anyone. I know women who were raped by other women. I don’t personally know of any men who were raped by other men. The sad part is I probably do know someone that happened to,but he’s never said anything. That’s just statistics. Do everyone a favor and respect your partner. If they say “stop”, then stop. If they say “no”, then don’t do whatever it was you were planning on doing. It’s better to listen to your partner, even if it gives you a raging case of blue (lady) balls, than disrespect that person in the name of your own pleasure. I would like to think this is a no-brainer, especially for you my dear readers. It never hurts to be reminded. The word “dehumanizing” gets tossed around a lot in relation to rape cases. You never quite understand what that word means until it’s being used against you. I was simply a receptacle in the name of him proving his masculinity by putting on a show. I would never wish that feeling on anyone. I would never wish the aftermath on anyone. You should be able to revoke your consent and have that respected. It’s your body and your decision. Period.

So this wasn’t the most cheery of entries, but it needed to be said. I’m going to go crawl back under my rock and wait for Twitter or Facebook to inform me that either a plane has crashed or a Kardashian is pregnant. Or both.

XOXO!

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