Of Juries & Feelings

I got stuck with jury duty last week. I’ve been called several times before, but never selected. What day did I get called, you ask? My emotionally abusive rapist’s birthday. I never got to take him to court. Hell, I didn’t realize what he did to me was even classified as rape until 3 years after our relationship ended. Doesn’t change the fact that he never answered for what he did. During the selection the question was asked have you ever been through a traumatic event. I was literally the first person they called from the entire pool of 200+ people AND #1 in my group. I dutifully raised my hand & instead of opting to speak with the judge privately, I said in open court that I was raped by an ex boyfriend.

They chose me anyway.

I proceeded to waste a day & a half of my life listening to a case that was complete bullshit. These people were trash who took their trashy issues to court instead of sorting them out on their own & not wasting my time. Then another juror couldn’t get it through her thick skull that it doesn’t matter if someone says it’s okay to come by the house when a stay away order (a baby TPO) is in place. It was in force at the time, therefore he was guilty of violating the order. Intent wasn’t at play here. She finally caved, but I was getting ready to beat her ass over it. Allegedly, my name will be out of the pool for at least 2 years. I’m not holding my breath.

This past week dug up a lot of unpleasant feelings. For example, feeling like I was being punished for being honest in front of a group about what happened to me. Last Monday would’ve been my very first boyfriend’s 35th birthday. He died in his sleep shortly after he turned 31. I never found out the exact cause. Valentine’s Day reminded me of how my dad would get my mom a bouquet & my sister & I would each get smaller ones. It wasn’t just about his wife. It was about all his girls. Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. (I guess today since this will be posted after midnight) This is the 2nd birthday she’ll have without my dad. If it’s anything like mine was, it’s going to hurt like a bitch. I don’t know what to do for her. I don’t know if there’s anything I even can do.

I check Twitter & see adulation for other fanfic (read: slash) writers & I feel inadequate. Then I remind myself that I have basically no followers on Twitter, don’t whore myself out on there, & only post my username here on a blog that no one reads. Do I want that kind of attention? Do I need that kind of validation? I guess if I did, then I’d put more effort into it. Ultimately, it’s an escape for me & if other people enjoy it then that’s an added bonus. I don’t need 1500 followers on Twitter & 10,000 hits on my story to be worth something.

I think I had more to say, but my head hurts like a bitch & I have class tomorrow so I’m out.

XOXO!

Current Jam: “Far From Home” Five Finger Death Punch

Twitter & Instagram: retroindiequeen

AO3: TheHuntsmansBoss

Of Birthdays & Gratitude

I know I’ve ranted about this before. I’m 100% certain that I have, but I’m gonna do it again so feel free to skip right on over this entry.

It royally pisses me off when people (women in particular) whine about reaching a particular milestone birthday (usually 30+). Nine times out of 10 they’re complaining about how they’re old or some other nonsense. Listen up, bitches. Be fucking grateful that you got to see 30 or 35 or 40. Some people, for one reason or another, never will. Little Emily was 24 when she died. She never got to see her 30th birthday. My dad was 62. He wasn’t even (technically) eligible for Social Security. Yet here you are whining that you’re old when you’re 35 & life hasn’t come up roses for you. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. I’m 34. Am I where I thought I’d be when I was 24? No. I didn’t think I’d be back in school for the second time for a career path that I was 150% sure I wasn’t cut out for. Is my life perfect? Hell no. Did I think my dad would be dead? Absolutely not.

I blame our culture. We put too much emphasis on being young & linear life paths. You’re sexually desirable if you’re 25. You’re successful if you’ve graduated college at 22 & have a career by 23 unless said career requires higher education. I was raised Catholic & spent 13 years in Catholic school. It was drilled into us that you better get married & start popping out babies before you turned 30. I didn’t get married until I was 30. We aren’t planning on having kids anytime soon (though people are starting to get all up our business about that, but that’s another rant for another time). Life is messy. Life is far from perfect. Life isn’t a straight line. If you’re upset that you haven’t reached some arbitrary benchmark by the time you’re 30, then maybe it’s time to reassess your priorities. Think about what YOU want not what a skincare ad or even your religion tells you. Maybe I’m just a rebel, but I’m not going to let someone or something dictate my life when I’m a grownass woman.

TL;DR – Be grateful you made it this far & don’t let society’s arbitrary benchmarks get in your way.

XOXO!

Current Jam: “Danger” BTS

Stalk me:

Instagram: retroindiequeen

Twitter: retroindiequeen

AO3: TheHuntsmansBoss

Of showing frat boys how it’s done and blowing up someone’s phone

Wrapped up Week 3 of the Still Unnamed Fitness / Health Challenge. No change in either my weight or my measurements. However, I also totally bombed my food side. I didn’t have any green smoothies or pay attention to my protein intake. I also ended up having quite a bit of soda and massive portions of candylike desserts.

I have, however, noticed a change in my strength, especially in my arms. They feel a little more solid and I can get the tiniest bit lower in a push up on my toes. I’m still a long way from being where I want to be, but every little inch counts. I was able to hold a plank for about 40 seconds without resorting to dropping to my knees. I felt like a genuine badass for the rest of the day. It’s a 60 second challenge early on in my barre class. I got through the first week of Couch to 5k. I started Week 2 yesterday. The overall change is beginning to become more obvious. I just need to recommit to my dietary goals.

Yesterday was my dad’s 60th birthday. Considering there was a point we weren’t sure he was going to make it to 59, it was a red letter day. We played laser tag, had tacos, and watched Jurassic Park for the benefit of my friends who haven’t seen Jurassic World yet. Laser tag was hilarious. We ended up playing 2 games with a bunch of frat boys. We all teamed up against them and holed ourselves up in one of the towers. My purpose was scout / shit talker. Half the fun is coming up with code names. When you’re hit, the name of the person who hit you pops up on your laser. It became rapidly apparent that a few of these fine upstanding fraternity men couldn’t be bothered to come up with names (they were from GA Tech. I shouldn’t have expected any kind of creativity). At one point, I was hit by “Spencer” and started making fun of his name. He gets huffy and retaliates with “It’s just a game”. I simply giggled and ran back to my scout position. I can only assume that he took his ball and stomped off the playground. When I was talking to the “marshal” (the employee who has to sit in there for liability reasons) after the game, she said every time they get a group like that, she hopes they all lose. I told her what happened and she got a big kick out of it. Later my mom told me I shouldn’t have made the little boys cry. ๐Ÿ˜‰

On a completely unrelated note – I learned just how annoying it is to have someone blowing up your phone. I’ve found that communication with someone you’re just getting to know is a delicate balance. You don’t want to harass them, but at the same time don’t want to seem uninterested. This girl messaged me on MeetUp, so I figured I would chat with her. She was practically interrogating me. She’d ask me a question, I’d answer with something I thought was pretty clear. Five minutes later, she’d ask me the same thing. Uh, okay? I use the app, so my phone would ding every time I got a message. I turned off the notifications and told her that I wouldn’t really be able to chat over the weekend (not a total lie). Now that I’ve been on the receiving end of it, I’m going to try and find that balance a little more. Ultimately, I ended up blocking her. Over the few days we were talking, she would ask me the same question literally five or six times. I don’t know if she was a little slow or just desperate to have someone to talk to or some combination of both. Who knows?

I’ve also decided that Sundays are reserved for sitting on my ass all day. Hello marathon of Criminal Minds and possibly a nap. Big excitement.

XOXO!

Of wish lists and sequined outfits

One week from today is my 30th birthday.

Instead of putting down New Year’s Resolutions, I’m simply putting my intentions out there for my 30th year. As a friend of mine put it after listing all the things she wanted in a relationship, “it never hurts to ask”. So for my birthday (and beyond), my list of intentions:

  • Find an occasion to wear all the fancy clothes I got over Christmas.
  • Don’t stifle my passions in the name of practicality. If I’m physically and financially able, go for it.
  • Laugh more. Mostly at myself.
  • Put on some lipstick more often.
  • Don’t let the bastards get me down.
  • Work a little magic in someone else’s life.
  • Say “yes”.
  • Don’t interpret ignorance as hate.
  • Perform a “digital detox” at least once this year.
  • Keep the dining room table clean (this is far more difficult than it sounds).
  • Get the art print we bought last February framed.
  • Volunteer at least once this year with an organization that supports a cause I can get behind.
  • Soften the edges of my opinions when expressing them to someone else.

Also a viewing of “13 Going On 30” is necessary. And Boy is taking me to a Monster Truck rally to mark my birthday. Vroom vroom!

XOXO!

Of years and reviewing them

Sorry I’ve been off the radar, fair readers. Nothing has blown up & no one has died. I just didn’t really have much to say.

Here’s my obligatory round up of 2014. I won’t go so far as to say it was the worst year of my life. It’s probably in the top five, though. So begins the breakdown, by month.

January:

Birthday month! I love birthdays, especially mine. I began the last year of the second decade of my life. And there were deviled eggs. On the flip side, I still couldn’t drive and this was with ClusterFlake 1.0. Thus, I ended up stuck in 2 cars over the course of give or take 10 hours. Even if I could drive, I still probably would have camped out at my office. That’s neither here nor there.

Final Review: Meh

February:

Found out my dad had the brain tumor. I also still couldn’t drive. ClusterFlake 2.0.

Final Review: Fail

March:

Was officially back on the roads! Yay! On the third, my dad had his brain surgery. Less that a week later, he was back in the hospital. This began Month One of his hospital stay. Being able to drive again bumps this month up from “fail” to “meh”.

Final Review: Meh

April:

Month Two of my dad being in the hospital. This was the time where my heart jumped into my throat every time I got a text message or my phone rang. This was also when my very first boyfriend died suddenly. I still don’t know officially what killed him, but it was either a heart attack or a stroke. He had just turned 30 two months prior.

Boy & I did go to Vegas this month. Again, that bumps it up from a “fail” to a “meh”.

Final Review:ย Meh

May:

Dad finally got out of the hospital for good. No more near heart attacks when my phone would ring or I’d get a text.

Final Review: Win

June:

The now infamous trip to Bonnaroo. In retrospect, it was pretty funny. At the time, not. at. all. It ate up 4 of my vacation days which I would have liked to use later.

On the other hand, my dad got to see his 59th birthday. That alone gives it the win.

Final Review:ย Win

July:

…It was a month.

Final Review: Meh

August:

Boy & I traveled up to Minnesota to visit my sister. We had fun watching life in the northern Midwest. Oh, shut the front door.

Final Review: Win

September:

The first day of September marked the last day of DragonCon. I didn’t have nearly as good of a time as I did in 2013. Otherwise, I have no use for the month of September. It’s the Tuesday of the year.

Final Review: Meh

October:

My dad, sister, Boy, & I went up to visit my dad’s side of the family. We had a blast, Boy got to see our unique brand of crazy, and we introduced them to Cards Against Humanity. My dad was also well enough to work Netherworld & even had a few standing roles (after a double hip replacement, it’s no small feat). We also had our biggest Halloween to date with 425 adoring fans.

Final Review: Win

November:

I was reassigned to a new boss, leaving behind my old one. This was a huge blow for both of us. Boy went with my family to see my mom’s side for Thanksgiving. It could have been a lot more boring, but I still wasn’t a fan. He had no problems with them. I’m unfairly biased against them after some particularly cruel comments my grandfather made regarding my tattoos. The end result was my refusal to visit them for the better part of 6 years.

Getting a new boss overshadows everything else in the month, thus a fail

Final Review: Fail

December (with 7 days left):

Still in the process of working out the kinks in my relationship with my new boss. I have to keep reminding myself he’s a 28 year old boy. He may look like he’s in his 40s, but looks can be deceiving. He’s very good at coming off as overly superior & a bit meglomaniacal. I let him push my buttons all too frequently. He did, however, manage to get rid of my (third) dead weight employee.

I did take the chance to get my old boss a Christmas present & write a card that came straight from my heart. I cried while I wrote it. I know that may sound silly, but losing a mentor is never easy. Obi Wan Kenobi, anyone? Sure, he’s not dead & we still sit 10 feet away from each other. It’s just not the same. I got a hug after he read it. Mission accomplished.

If you follow me on Instagram (RetroIndieQueen) you’ve already seen my Christmas present. Boy got me a kitten. She’s epileptic (yes, I’m a sucker) & the shelter was worried they’d have a hard time getting her adopted. When she was originally adopted out, she started having seizures and the original adopter brought her back. She needs her meds twice a day just like I do. She’s even on one of the same drugs. We were more than happy to take her in. As I write this, she’s snoozing away on the other end of the couch. Cassie has accepted her, even though she doesn’t want to play. She’s too old for that shit.

Conditional final review: Win

As can be seen from the above, this wasn’t my year. While nothing directly happened to me other than the driving restriction, it still took a lot out of me. Without any embellishment, my dad almost died. My relationship with my boss died suddenly in the metaphorical sense. I’ll be mourning that loss for a while. At least nothing major happened with Boy.

I’ll turn 30 in 17 days. I like that my birthday is close to the beginning of the year. It’s nice to be able to almost match a new year for the Julian Calendar with my own new year. One girl I know from elementary school turned 30 last weekend and posted about how “scary” it was. I’m looking forward to it. I’m grateful to say that I’ll see another birthday. Emily will never see her 30th birthday. She didn’t even get to see her 25th. Jeff saw his 30th birthday, but not for long.

There are lots of possibilities waiting for me in the next few months. Some are exciting and at the same time intimidating. I kept a promise to myself and followed through with my end of the deal. Whatever happens next is out of my control. It would be really nice if it panned out, though.

C’mon 2015, I know you have it in you.

XOXO!

Of major life events and bucket lists

Everything in life is a relationship. Y’all know I love to make analogies to romantic relationships all the time. Right now, I can’t be in a committed one with dance.

I got a wedding invitation last week. A friend of mine is getting married in October. I’ve had her save the date up on my wall for months. You know how things tend to blend into the background when you stare at them too long? That was the case with me. I can’t take a week off for dance when I need that time off to see my friend get married. I’m also planning a trip up to Virginia to spend time with my niece for her birthday. In the grand scheme of things, I would feel like a horrible person for missing her wedding. I haven’t seen my niece since she was 2 months old. She’ll be 2 next month. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I have to be extra careful with my PTO. Doing the Friday night – Sunday afternoon turn around SUCKS. My friends and family are more important than a week of dance.

I’ve been wasting money for months on memberships that I don’t use. My schedule and my life just aren’t conducive to any kind of lengthy commitment. It’s much better for me to have a drop in card that I can use when I have the time. We need to be in a more casual relationship. It doesn’t mean I love it any less, there are just other things that have a higher priority. I’ve known for a long time that I needed to scale it back. I don’t know about y’all, but I get a heavy feeling in my chest. Now I know where the term “heart sinks” comes from. I try to ignore it, but that doesn’t make it go away. Who knew? I have to accept it sooner or later. It’s hard enough to walk away from a relationship where nothing went wrong. It’s even harder to walk away from a relationship where you still care, but it just isn’t working out. Might as well rip the bandaid off now.

As for fitness options, Boy & I are well on our way to the 5k. We started Week 2 on Saturday. My ultimate goal is to participate in the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. I’ll be up to a 10k by the end of October. I’ll be up to half marathon distance about a month before the race. It’s definitely a realistic goal. There are tons of apps that will coach you through the various distances. My dad has done everything from a 5k to a marathon and his best distance is a 10k. It can’t hurt to try every distance to see what happens. For all I know, I may turn out to be a marathon runner. Plus, it’s something to check off the bucket list. ๐Ÿ˜‰ If someone had told me 6 months ago that I’d be looking forward to running every week, I would have thought they were insane. I think this “runner’s high” thing is real. Even though we’re panting and sweating out 5 pounds of water weight, there’s still the *high five* fuck yeah we did it!* feeling. So we only jogged for 90 seconds, but we did it. Baby steps.

You remember that comment I made about completing a triathlon? That was a real goal I set back in 2010. I went about it all wrong. I thought because I was doing CrossFit at the time (terrible idea, btw, but another blog post for another time), I was 100% equipped to handle an endurance event. Yeah, no. I burned myself out largely before I even began. I had no idea how to properly train. It’s still something I want to do, but one thing at a time. I *know* there’s an app for that. I doubt I’ll hit Ironman level (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, & 26.2 run), but who knows? I be crazy sometimes. The sprint distance (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, & 5k) is a much more reasonable goal. ๐Ÿ˜›

Good bye for the moment, dance. It was fun.

XOXO!